Doomsday Prepper stocks Chili’s gift cards in case he needs a casual meal after the apocalypse


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TUCSON, Arizona—Abandoning more traditional emergency supplies such as canned food, drinking water, and hand-cranked radios, local doomsday prepper Craig Horvitz says his casual post-apocalyptic dining needs are certain. “At a time when shit hits fans and civilization is collapsing around us, we visit family restaurant chains,” sources confirmed Friday. Poor bastards who can’t, will listen to me and wish they had stockpiled Chilean gift cards,” Horvitz said, explaining that society had fallen down and money had fallen. It will cease to exist, and basic menu items like Skillet Queso and Big Mouth Burger will become the new currency. What do you tell them when you ask for compliments at? “Sorry, I can’t help you get the mix and match fajitas you need”? At press time, Horvitz had reportedly begun amassing hundreds of TGI Fridays gift cards just in case Chili’s didn’t survive his The Fall.

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